By: Alejandro "Jhun" Cardeinte, An excerpt from his unpublished book “The Gospel Call”
What is true to many countries is that parents give enough freedom to their children to decide for their real life. But this does not usually happen in Asia. We can hear about force marriages and the impact of parents’ authority to choose for their children’s behalf. Though children have ability to decide for their own success and happiness, some parents who belong to a certain minority group give slim freedom to them. Usually, the freedom they give for their children is only for the minor choices in life. This is one of the many cultural practices here in Asia in which the voice of the parents and old folks are highly regarded. However, the impact of parents’ authority over their children is not the same as their level of authority varies. In this article, let us take for example the choosing of wife or husband in Asian context.
These three kinds of Asian practices may help us understand their varied power of parents over their children as well as the impact towards their children and how much freedom their children can exercise.
1. Decision- Many especially among the minority tribes that what the parents want to happen is already mean final decision. This means that children are not involved in the major decision in life. Every major decision belongs to the parents’ will on behalf of their children. Parents’ strong love and ties with their children may seem the cause that leads them to think that they can best protect their children when they are the one making decision for them. For example, the Badjao in Tawi-tawi, Manobo and Talaandig in Bukidnon, Philippines have been practicing parental arrangement marriages. Though many children have obeyed and become successful in their marriage life, some of them have tried to escape from their jungle homes. Many parents threatened their daughters that they won’t see them alive if they choose follow what they want. But the trouble would be very difficult to handle if the parents already accept the partial dowry in a form of money, animals or large amount of food. Since the famil will be put to embarrassment. In the Manobo culture, they called it “bugay” while the Badjao called it “hukot” that is to tied up their daughter to a certain man. “Tied up system” is done many months or years before the wedding ceremony happen, the purpose is to close the selling business to any other man. But later on, if the parents themselves change their mind and realize the man is not fitted for their daughter, then the parents can double the amount given by the certain man to free their daughter. In most cases, if the girl’s family found another man whom they think better than the first man. The parent-to-parent arrangement between three parties will be made in agreement to double the amount to be given back to first man. In most cases, decisions are being made through parents without any involvement from their child. The child in each camp will just wait and see the outcome. They obey their parents and grandparents with great respect as a sign of gratitude. This is one of the common practices among the minority groups.
2. Strong recommendation- Some Asian parents feel that they see many things than their children do as they think that they are more experienced than their children. Some cultural groups in Asia usually among the minorities hold “strong recommendation” as their practice. The social ethical standard that the older people must be respected has a great impact towards their children’s lives. Though the parents’ or grandparents’ preference or choice may not mean a final decision, they have the right to say what they feel and think of. Though no forcing is being made, the whole family is usually involved in the decision making. This involves persuading and convincing their children that what they think is right. What makes this a trouble to the children is the fear that their parents will curse them and they cannot obtain parental blessings. For example, the Mien tribe in Thailand, which most parents strongly use the astrological calendar to determine whether their son or daughter is compatible to whom they have relationship with, though their children are not totally convinced of what their parents’ believed, their parents’ words are still valued because for fear that something bad may happen in the future and they can’t count on to their parents anymore.
3. Suggestion- In this case, the parents still have much power to rule over their children. But they have come to believe that guidance and counseling is best rather than strict rules, demanding obedience and forceful request. The parents’ choice as suggestion is commonly practice by families living in the urban places, where they are already open to the influence of the modern society. Most educated Asian parents nowadays give total freedom to their children to decide for the big choices in life, they think that total freedom brings real happiness to their children. But still Asian children have considered their parents as special teachers who could teach them the right way and important lessons in life. Though parents have their dreams for their children, they just share it in a form of suggestion while their children are listening. In this case, their children are free to say “no” tactfully if they don’t feel comfortable.
Why Important?
By understanding how much authority the parents have and how much freedom their children can exercise may help our ministry more safe and efficient. A missionary cannot waste his time focusing to minister the children when the decision belongs only to their parents. In cases where parents’ words hold real power over their children, it is wise to change our priority by reaching the parents.
It is not good that children will be seen by their parents as rebellious. List is long about the conversions of children in different tribal groups that following from baptism they were rejected by their family and relatives. There were many cases in the past that missionaries encouraged a certain child to be baptized without asking permission formally from their parents. It is important to note that in Asia, if a missionary plan to save the children, he must begin the saving job to the parents!
It is always true that salvation is individual but we cannot snatch each of the family’s children. It is friendly and wise move to preserve our relationship with the family. This is one way of opening salvation’s door to their family and relatives. As I mention partly, there are certain tribes that critical decision is being made by all members of the family and some are done by parents only without any participation from their children. And even the parents give total freedom for their children it is wise still to let the parents know what is going on and what is going to happen.
Another thing I learned by experience was that there are certain tribes that decisions are largely dependent to the village’s head or the “datu” where the villagers largely depend on his command. The head has much power to rule the village. What is usually common is that their headman is also the in charge of the spiritual decorum of the village. No wonder that missionaries who were so sensible to invest his time to get the headman get the whole village!
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